First Day again

Faithful readers will no doubt rejoice that Dr. Longfinger has been removed from his position as substitute author of George's irresistible blog. I am, as the French say, de retour. School starts today, which provides a merciful break from the endless tedium (te deum?) of the winter holiday. For those amongst who who hang on my every word, chronically addicted to following my every move, I am taking more O-Chem, Ochem lab, Cell bio, and Investigations in medical physiology. IN any spare time I might have, I'm going to be cramming for the MCAT. YAY!

Addendum from Dr. Longfinger, M.D.

In Fretful's email, s/he opined that I was making up the events which fill my stories. As Dave Barry vociferously asserts when he recounts the absurd, " I am not making this up"
-Dr. L

Counter rebuttal

Dear Miffed,
Let me assure you that the events under consideration did in fact occur, without any embellishment. (Granted, there my be some narrative lisence taken in the case of Dr. Longfingers replies in certain instances. His actual replies are far more tactful than what is recorded here. The answers recorded here represent what Dr. Longfinger WOULD have said, had the world been perfect.) In response to your accusation that I am promoting my own personal agenda, let me assure you this is not the case. That the bulk of the simpletons in his stories seem to be nurses is due only to his disguise as a phlebotomist which brings him in contact primarily with RN's, not MD's. To allay your fears, however, I have decided to recount the following story in order to prove I am not an anti-nurse crusader.
I was sitting in the Phlebotomy department office one day, on my break, when a phone call came in. 'Twas a doctor calling to see about the feasibility of obtaining a CBC (complete blood count). Of course, we said. On bagged urine, he said. Excuse me? a CBC on bagged urine? No can do pardner. a CBC is done on Whole Blood. Not pee. Perhaps if we spin the urine fast enough in the centrifuge it will turn to whole blood? No Dr. Sanscerveau, 'tis impossible. [editor's note: it should be noted that it is possible for there to be blood cells in urine, so asking for a count of those in a urinalysis is feasible. it is not, however, possible to use urine in the machine which normally runs CBC's.]

Miffed, I hope that this proves there are dunces universally distributed in hospital settings.
-Dr. L.

Rebuttal

Dr. Longfinger, it would appear that you have an anti-nurse agenda which you are shamelessly promoting using George's normally dull Blog as a forum. I am an RN and have never seen, let alone committed the blunders which seem to permeate Dr. Longfinger's anecdotes. I would maintain that either Dr. Longfinger is in fact covering for his own blunders and pawnign off these mistakes on others, or the events in question never in fact occured.
-Miffed in Missoula

Q&A with Dr. Longfinger

A: You have raised an interesting question. By and large, most nurses are quite competent. There are, however, some remarkably dim RN's servicing our nation's ill. Perhaps the following anecdote from the annals of Dr. Longfinger will answer your question. It was early one morning on our little floor, not a patient was stirring, not even Bill Moore. As I out wheeled my cart, I saw with alarm, 'twas an Isolation room, I could come to harm. I donned glove and gown, and prepped my syringe. I pushed open the door, which swung on its hinge. A sign on the wall read "I have a PICC, use it to get blood, mine, all" Puzzelled by syntax I asked for his nurse. She said No More Verse and belted a Curse. OK, said I pleased, I'll stick to my prose, and don't get bent out of shape. you or your nose. So I went in the room to draw out his blood, the PICC wouldn't work [editor's note: A PICC is a special type of IV that has a long canula in the vein that terminates just outside the heart and can occaisionaly be used for blood draws]. I poked him instead with my needle. He had a CBC, or complete blood count. As I left the room, his nurse who was waiting outside asked me if I had the results back yet. WHAT THE CRAP??? Umm, no, I replied, barely tactfully. The blood, you see, is still in this tube in my hand. I have not yet been certified on teleportation, and consequently, the blood must physically go TO the lab to be tested. I can, if you like, hold it up to the light to count the RBC's. [Editor's note: Using full phrases and names is anathema to those in the medical profession. RBC stands for Red Blood Cell]. Very well. Do you at least have the resulst of his blood sugar test for 0900? NO, again I replied, carefully checking my tongue at the tongue check. ( they gave me a chit I have yet to redeem for my tongue). You see, it is only 0645, and we dont' do sugars until 30 minutes before their time. THat would be, at the earliest, 0830.
To return to your original question, Fretful, don't ever leave the side of your loved one. Those nurses, seemingly benign, can be quite dull of mind.